Ask questions, summarize, and make eye contact.Įngage in acts of service. Make sure you are listening to understand and not just respond. Affection can be both physical and verbal like holding hands or saying “I love you.”īe an active listener. Tell your partner three things you appreciate about them every day. If you feel like you fell short of the magic ratio or just want to keep it elevated, here are some tips to have more positive interactions. Was it all negative or did you see some instances where you felt listened to and understood by your partner? At the end of the week, tally up what your ratio looks like. If you have a conflict, pay close attention to the interactions within that. Pick at least three days throughout the week to track your interactions with your partner. Get a journal or find a way to take notes on your phone. I invite you to do a little research on your own relationship.
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To generalize, for each one of the above, you need five or more positive interactions to even out the ratio.
Forgetting important milestones and events that are important to your partner. Not listening to your partner when they speak during conflict. Rejecting a repair attempt used by your partner. Neglecting to do something you told your partner you would do. Lashing out at your partner when flooded instead of taking a time-out. Use of the Four Horsemen: Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, or Stonewalling. What are some examples of interactions that could result in that negative emotional state? Having a ratio below 5:1 within conflict became one of the many potential divorce indicators found in the Gottman research. Outside of conflict discussions, successful couples had an even higher positive-to-negative ratio-20:1. He coined it as the magic ratio of 5:1, and many translated this data to mean that couples need five positive interactions for every negative one. John Gottman found that in conflict conversations successful couples had five seconds of time together in a positive (or neutral) emotional state for every one second in a negative emotional state. Have you ever counted how many positive or negative interactions you have with your partner? It may sound like an odd thing to track, but it can be a key component of having a happy stable relationship.
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